Uganda seems like a dream to me as I look back on my experience. The extreme poverty stands out to me and seems unreal. It has never been real to any other context of my entire existence. The children running around in nothing but rags, and those are the only clothes they own. It breaks my heart. And I wonder why life allows this to happen.

This was a stretching time for me. I was uncomfortable and insecure and wanted nothing more to be back here in the States in my nice house with indoor plumbing, and my daily routine to keep my thoughts occupied. I remember the first day we went to visit a TAPP office in Kasubi, we were gone all day with church in the morning, a luncheon with some folks from church and then meeting all the members at Kasubi for the first time. I was so overwhelmed with different emotions like inadequacy and insecurity that by the time it was dark, I just stood around, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to play with the children, just simply looking around me and wishing I was in the States.

Now that I have been back, I feel something missing in me. And I think that part of my heart has left me. I think that part of my heart escaped me in Uganda without me ever realizing it. Every time I think of the time I spent there, I want to weep, because I know that I saw God’s heart there; in the people, in the laughing children, and in the dusty earth.

I believe that it is not a question of why; why does a God of love allow such injustice, such poverty, such pain? But it is a question of how are we going to live differently to further the justice God enables us to have. Mostly I just ask myself, “what can I do to make a difference as a middle class woman in America,” so naïve in my own little bubble world. The answer I don’t have to search long for because I know it already: when I am ready to help, I will find a way to help. It is a road all of us need to venture down and it is entirely spiritual. We cannot become ready to help until we experience God’s heart in a dramatic way, so much so that it will alter the course we are on at present.

By Mary Deitrich

15 February 2009